


the words i don't say

by Aisjustrunning



Category: You Could Make a Life Series - Taylor Fitzpatrick
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angsty tone, Happy Ending, M/M, canon-divergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-20 01:31:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8231492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aisjustrunning/pseuds/Aisjustrunning
Summary: It takes David years to even allow himself to think that he is in love with Jake. 
Saying it is even harder.
(Or Five times David didn't say "I love you" and one he did)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have been rewriting one particular scene from this fic for the last week because we were getting new canon and I wanted a canon-compliant fic. However, the update from 12 hours ago detroyed the whole idea. It can't be fixed. So you get this.
> 
> Thanks to [Cricket](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lilcrickee/pseuds/lilcrickee), who was a great beta and cheerleader. Both her input and her cheering were incredibly useful. Besides, she fixed all my prepositions. Thanks to [Christina](http://archiveofourown.org/users/greenleavesnever) too for reading this over and fixing my timeline mistakes (she knows _everything_ ).
> 
> Of course these characters are not mine. Thanks to Taylor Fitzpatrick for creating this world and letting us play with it :)

**One**

Jake falls asleep immediately after sex, as he often does.

David tries falling asleep, too; he knows he should if he doesn’t want to be tired at training tomorrow. They shouldn’t be having sex to begin with - on a weekday in the middle of training - but Jake has a way of making David forget the difference between what he should do and what he shouldn’t. Even if he always hates it afterwards, when he’s alone and can reflect on the possible consequences of his actions.

So David’s here now, lying in bed, unable to fall asleep, with his heart still beating fast, faster than it should.

David gives up on sleep and opens his eyes, finds Jake’s face in the dark, eyes closed and mouth slightly open. Something warm pools at the bottom of David’s belly. There’s a nagging thought at the back of his mind, but he feels drowsy and can’t reach it.

He studies Jake’s face, relaxed in sleep. He’s not snoring, not quite, but he’s letting out tiny huffs, small noises David’s sure he shouldn’t find endearing. He does anyway.

David stays that way for a while, as his heart-rate slows, half-asleep but awake enough to focus on every part of Jake’s face. It’s something he doesn’t allow himself to do when Jake is awake, not even when they’re alone.

His mind wanders as he raises his hand to brush the stupid bangs Jake always has off his face--another thing he shouldn’t find endearing (he thinks it’s hot, too, but that’s a thought he refuses to acknowledge).

He can see himself doing this two, three years from now. Going to sleep with Jake, sharing a bed, waking up with him. It’s a future that doesn’t mesh well with hockey, with what David really wants; but in the bed they have been sharing for most of camp, under the dim light coming from the window, hockey is the last thing on David’s mind.

Still, he refuses to give life to the idea forming quietly but steady in his brain, the four-letter word nagging at him.

David takes his hand back fast, shuts his eyes close and forces himself to stop thinking, to focus on his breathing until he manages to fall asleep.

Jake’s sleeping face is burned in his mind, however, and David falls asleep picturing Jake’s relaxed factions, unable to stop thinking that maybe, just maybe, he loves Jake Lourdes.

**Two**

David leaves Kiro at the table the night he receives the Art Ross. He leaves Kiro and calls Jake.

The wine he shared with Kiro earlier should be clogging his mind, but instead he feels sober and awake when he dials, despite the unbearable heat of the desert that makes his suit stick to his skin.

Jake picks up the phone after the first ring, as if he were waiting next to it. David revels in Jake’s voice, knowing he shouldn’t do this, reminding himself that Jake has moved on, is doing just fine dating girls. Maybe even some guy the media hasn’t picked up on.

It’s pointless, though. He can’t help being overwhelmed by how he feels. The same force that gave him the courage to thank Jake in his speech, now strengthened by the wine, guides his mouth, making him say things he wouldn’t say otherwise- It urges him now to tell Jake what he really thinks, how he feels about him, even when he can’t seem to truly trust Jake.

The words form in his mind, but David forces the three-word sentence down where it’s trying to escape, replaces it with a different set of words. It’s something he shouldn’t say anyway, but that exposes him less.

He says, “I miss you,” and immediately regrets letting his subconscious mind win, even when Jake echoes the sentiment.

He thinks back to the conversation that night when he’s in his hotel room, goes over everything he said, everything Jake did. Plays the scene over and over in his head, wondering if he could have said something different, wondering what Jake would have done if he had said exactly what he wanted to say, instead of settling for a “I miss you”.

It’s true, at least, what he said. David does miss Jake. There are parts of their relationship he never wants back--the insecurity, the fear, the lack of control. But he misses the dumb texts he sometimes had to decipher, and even the bangs always covering Jake’s eyes in bed. He misses laughing with Jake. He misses the beautiful hockey they were able to play together even when it didn’t matter.

David misses Jake so much his heart clenches whenever he hears Jake’s name on TV, in the locker room. They haven’t been together in almost two years, and for those two years he has had to share the ice with Jake and pretend all is normal, pretend he doesn’t care especially when they play the Panthers.

Two years is a long time to be missing somebody, or at least that’s what Kiro says, and David has nothing else to compare it to, so he’ll take Kiro’s word. He’s been missing Jake longer than he had him, and it hurts. Right now, alone in a dark hotel room in Vegas, he misses Jake so much it _hurts_.

However, it’s not all the truth. The truth is, not even all the wine in Vegas could make David admit out loud the love he’s still feeling.

**Three**

Admitting to himself that he is in love with Jake is actually harder than voicing it and telling Robbie out loud.

It took David about two years to allow himself to even think it, and a day of Robbie being mad at him to make a decision and say, clearly, “I’m in love with him.”

He’s still not sure how he mustered the courage to do it, to voice something he has been hiding for all of his professional life. He’s had the words stuck in his throat for so long if feels weird now, having them in the open.

It’s funny how it’s Jake himself who triggers it, when he makes David evaluate how important Robbie’s friendship is to him. Important enough to open up and lay down something he hasn’t even said clearly to Kiro, even if David guesses Kiro already knows anyway.

After the Awards, he was always a bit hesitant to talk about Jake with Kiro. It’s not as if David brought up the topic often before anyway, but Kiro made it clear that he thought David’s feelings were unhealthy, not normal. David already had enough things he didn’t feel normal about.

So he’s avoided the topic for years, the pain of missing Jake a dull ache he’s gotten used to living with. Something to be dealt with in silence.

And now it’s out there. Robbie knows, in no uncertain terms, that David loves Jake.

Once Robbie leaves, David stays in the room, sitting on the bed, phone in hand, looking at Jake’s last text, the word _always_ making him feel as if he has to give something more.

He taps the locked black screen of his phone with his fingers, considering his options, what he could say.

Maybe explain how it had happened? What he had a said? It had been so easy to voice it, once he had said Jake’s name. To admit he was in love with him. It feels truer than ever, now that he has said it, somehow more than when they were actually together. This makes it harder for David to ignore, to try and pretend the feelings aren’t there.

A text is not the right way, he thinks, still thumbing at the phone. Maybe a call? Jake did say it to him on the phone, at the worst moment, when David was not ready to hear it.

David has considered just calling Jake so many times: from that first time he wanted to tell him on the phone, in Vegas, to many other late nights in hotel rooms, all so similar they mesh together in his mind.

He didn’t know if he could, if he should. He’s seen the pictures of Jake in bars, with different girls. He didn’t think a late night call from an ex would be well received.

But it would be so easy now that they have talked again, after a full year of silence, to just call him, let Jake’s voice wash over him, and then tell Jake what he told Robbie.

He unlocks the phone, stares at it a bit longer, and locks it again.

He doesn’t dial Jake’s number, in the end. He goes out instead, finds Robbie waiting for him at the same table as before, with way less hostile company.

He doesn’t take his phone with him.

**Four**

When Jake admits that he has a crush on David, when he says “crush” is an understatement, David thinks he understands.

Crush is not a word he would use to describe how he feels about Jake, either; he’s already admitted to himself, to other people, that what he feels for Jake is love. He is in love with Jake, and there’s nothing he can do about it, no matter how unhealthy Kiro says it is, how much Robbie agrees that it sucks that Jake has moved on.

When Jake breaks David’s kiss and tells him they have to talk, David understands too, agrees.

The skill competition is torture. Time always passes slowly for David during these kinds of events. It’s not something he particularly enjoys at any given time, but it’s worse today, the feeling of Jake’s lips still lingering on his, the expectation of his talk with Jake.

Jake doesn’t exactly ignore him during the competition, but he doesn’t search out David’s company either. He spends most of the time joking and cheering with the other guys, laughing loudly at the break-away contest, talking to everyone and anyone.

He brushes against David, though, sometimes, and it makes David shiver every time. Jake talks to David like he does the rest of the guys, and David tries to pretend everything is normal.

They go to David’s room to talk, afterwards, but as always, Jake does most of the talking. Jake’s words suggest that there hasn’t been any moving on, that Jake is still into him, so David does the only thing he can do.

He closes the distance between them, and kisses Jake on the mouth, again.

This time, Jake answers the kiss after a second, kissing back but without pushing, accepting whatever David’s unsure lips give him.

David gains confidence quickly, reaches up to run his hand through Jake’s hair, touching the short hairs at the back of his neck, while he deepens the kiss.

Jake opens his mouth easily when David licks at the seam of it with his tongue, moans softly when David licks at his tongue, his teeth, and the sound sends a shiver down David’s spine.

David tries to convey in the kiss how he feels, everything he has realised in the last years, how he has grown up and learned and began to accept who he is, how he knows Jake has done growing up of his own.

He tries to share, with his mouth and his lips, his hands roaming down Jake's back, all the love he’s unable to voice.

**Five**

David didn’t think he would have missed Jake so much, but he did, those long months between the All Star Game and the summer. He had lived with missing Jake for two years, but now the feeling is different, the low ache of missing something he knows he could have, instead of something he felt he’d lost forever.

Texting helps, Skype is a blessing, but there’s nothing like the feeling of having Jake in his bed again, finally, after a long season. For the first time in his life, David has looked forward to the summer, at least a bit. Loving somebody the way he loves hockey is certainly a new experience for him.

His alarm goes off like it does every morning, but this time Jake turns it off before David has managed to even fully open his eyes. He feels as Jake reaches over him to take the phone on David’s bedside table before going back to hugging David from behind, in what reminds David more of an octopus than a human, all legs and arms. It’s warm, too warm even for the early summer, and David should mind, but he doesn’t. He lets himself relax into Jake’s embrace.

“Good morning,” he hears directly into his ear, followed by the lightest of bites, that makes him shiver despite the warmth.

He tries to answer, but his voice isn’t quite working yet. Speaking seems too complicated when he could just… not. He manages a mumble, in the end, something he hopes sounds like “morning”.

He really should get up, though, at least try to pretend he’s doing something productive with his day, but everything seems like hard work in comparison with staying in bed with Jake, who’s currently kissing down his neck, biting lightly but never lingering enough to leave a mark.

David is fully awake now, but he’s content with letting Jake do the work, especially when Jake’s hand starts roaming down his stomach, over the loose shirt David went to bed in. Jake’s hand easily finds the waistband of David’s pants, gets inside in a swift movement while Jake’s mouth never leaves David’s neck.

David’s cock had been interested in the proceedings since Jake first started with David’s neck, and it hardens quickly when Jack wraps a hand around it. Jake tugs experimentally, too dry for any fast movements. He plays with the head, thumbing at the slit, where precome is starting to pool. It’s slow, and lazy, David’s precome easing the way. Jake plays with David’s balls, rolling them between his fingers, before going back to a pumping motion that has David unable to avoid bucking against Jake, feeling Jake’s cock against his ass.

He comes like that, pressed as closely as he can to Jake, not moving even when Jake removes his hand from David’s pants, wipes it on his own underwear.

He feels Jake moving, rubbing his dick against David’s ass through the layers of fabric. David decides to move then, disentangles himself from Jake’s arms and turns to face him. Jake looks wrecked, as if he was the one who just came, blushing. His hair is a mess, and his lips are slick with saliva after working on David’s neck.

David kisses him softly, closed-mouthed, before reaching back for the lube on the bedside table. The next kiss is deeper, more frantic, all tongue and teeth. David doesn’t break it while he goes for Jake’s cock, doesn’t stop kissing while he jerks Jake off fast, drinking the moans Jake lets out.

Jake comes quickly, relaxing visibly under David’s hands. The kiss turns languid then, and it’s Jake who breaks it to whisper against David’s mouth.

“I love you,” he says, closing his eyes, and David feels the words heavy in his heart. “I love you so much.”

Jake has said it several times already, has been finishing half his texts with _i <3 u _ for months now (David has been deleting those texts carefully, but they get harder to just delete every time), but David never says it back, not in text, not in person now.

He caresses Jake’s cheek instead, kisses him softly again, and hopes Jake knows anyway.

**Plus one**

David is watching when they take Jake off the ice.

The hit was clearly illegal, the kind of dirty, directly-in-the-number hit that rarely goes uncalled.

David is standing between the TV and the couch, but he doesn’t remember standing up. He just remembers seeing Jake fall, rage and fear filling him, and now he’s standing. He zones out so much that he is not sure if the commentators said anything about Jake. It looked bad, though, as Parent and Foster helped Jake walk to the tunnel.

The game resumes with a Panthers power play to finish the last minutes of the game, and Jake doesn’t come back.

As soon as the clock hits zero, David is on his phone. He calls Jake, waits until the ring dies, and calls again. Nothing. A tiny voice in his head tells him Jake must be being checked by the medical staff, but he ignores it and calls again. Still no answer.

He texts then, forgetting to code his messages, unable to filter what he wants to say.

_Jake are you ok?_

_Jake please pick up your phone I’m worried_

He makes a decision right then, the fear at seeing Jake go down making his heart beat at a thousand miles per hour, the possibility of ever losing Jake looming over him, making him bolder.

He realises in that moment something he probably already knows, but hadn’t allowed himself to formulate with all the words: his love for Jake is stronger than the fear he has learnt to live with.

_Jake please I love you_

David doesn’t hesitate before hitting send. It’s the truth, it has been for years, and he’s not sure anymore what was holding him back. Now it’s out there, and he just hopes Jake is able to read it.

David gets a text from Kiro then, but doesn’t open it, too focused on trying to reach Jake. He calls again, unable to sit still, and this time, Jake picks up the phone.

“Jake. God, are you ok?” He can hear the desperation in his own voice.

“David? I was going to read your text--”

“Ssh. How are you? What is it? Are you ok?” Jake sounds normal, if maybe a bit tired. The fact itself that he’s able to pick up his phone is an indication that it can’t be too bad, which is a relief. But David _needs_ to know, for sure, that there’s nothing wrong.

“I’m fine,” Jake answers him. “They cleared me. Could have been back in the game if it had lasted longer.”

“You sure? Did they check properly? Protocol says--”

“David. I’m fine, really,” Jake reassures. “Stop worrying.” There’s some noise at the other end of the line before either of them adds anything. “I have to go. They want to do some more testing now just in case, and I should at least talk to my mom. Talk later?”

David is confused, still on edge and tense, adrenaline refusing to leave his body.

“Okay,” he says, in the end. He pauses a second, gathering courage to say what he wants to say. It’s already out there anyway, in text. But he wants to say it out loud. “I love you, Jake.”

He doesn’t have to wait for an answer. Jake’s whisper reaches him loud and clear through the phone.“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Kudos and comments are love. I'm on [tumblr](ilovetextingandscones.tumblr.com), where I cry over hockey boys in love and share edits and things.
> 
> There's an extra scene from this that didn't make the final cut due to the tone set by canon and what I was writing. I'll probably post that on my tumblr at some point, too :)


End file.
